Ego - the main topic of my thoughts lately. You see, I´ve had this ego struggle. Called life. Ha ha, but there´s a truth in that. What else is there to point out that you still have an ego than our every day life? Our relationships are this perfect, tricky, annoying and oh, so smart little bastard teacher of ours that forces us to see that, yep, there it still is! We´re not in Nirvana yet! I do believe that it can be reached during our life here on Mother Earth. Ego-less being doesn´t even have to be this constant state we´re in. Rather a moment to moment aim to stay in that being state...but hey now I started lecturing. Sorry. I actually have this funny story about an ego-trap of mine. A state that´s very typical for everybody who´s already took some steps in the enlightened living. (Ugh, I kinda hate that word. Enlightened. But yes, words are only for understanding each other.) My one typical day might contain dozens of these tiny moments that gently let me know that yes, it´s still there, but you´re doing a really good job recognizing the ego! And that´s the thing. Recognizing.
We´ve been through a lot lately, hubby and I, so one evening I wanted to spoil him a little and cook him a dinner. And yes, I hardly ever do that. I´m more of a bedroom person than a kitchen person in a relationship, if ya know what I mean. Yes, I do cook but my cooking is mostly making quick salads and smoothies and dehydrating stuff, not frying chicken and making pasta. But this time I deliberately asked what he wanted me to make and reeeaaalllly wanted to do something nice for him, to let him know that he´s precious. Straight from the depths of my soul, I felt. And mostly that´s true.
I made this lovely pasta dish and even some ground beef steaks for him. Spent an hour in the kitchen, making a mess but so happy and proud ´cause it tasted so good when I checked if the flavors were fine. We started eating, me beaming with delight when he was all oooh and aaah tasting the steaks.
"Wait, is there cilantro in the pasta?" said he, "the only flavor in the world I hate"
There was a sigh of deep grief, some sobby words about not EVER succeeding in ANYTHING when it comes to pleasing him and all this martyr shit, you know how it goes. The good part was that it only lasted for few minutes this time. He was great, being an ego-slayer himself, I was the one blaming myself. Obviously I realized that this part of me getting angry was the one wanting praise, maybe even secretly some kind of reward...and cause I didn´t succeed, my ego was hurt.
It´s not about succeeding. My soul doesn´t need that. My soul doesn´t need anything, it just is, there is already everything it ever needs. It is my mind, that great, sensitive mind of mine that needs anything.
And it´s not about killing your ego or being too harsh towards it or wanting to be this illuminated, pure, angelic light being - ha, that´s the ego talking. The E knows it already IS this light being. Just let it come through. Easily, only recognizing it and not identifying with your mind and thoughts. That´s all the ego work we need. That´s transformation.
BTW, I love cilantro.
We´ve been through a lot lately, hubby and I, so one evening I wanted to spoil him a little and cook him a dinner. And yes, I hardly ever do that. I´m more of a bedroom person than a kitchen person in a relationship, if ya know what I mean. Yes, I do cook but my cooking is mostly making quick salads and smoothies and dehydrating stuff, not frying chicken and making pasta. But this time I deliberately asked what he wanted me to make and reeeaaalllly wanted to do something nice for him, to let him know that he´s precious. Straight from the depths of my soul, I felt. And mostly that´s true.
I made this lovely pasta dish and even some ground beef steaks for him. Spent an hour in the kitchen, making a mess but so happy and proud ´cause it tasted so good when I checked if the flavors were fine. We started eating, me beaming with delight when he was all oooh and aaah tasting the steaks.
"Wait, is there cilantro in the pasta?" said he, "the only flavor in the world I hate"
There was a sigh of deep grief, some sobby words about not EVER succeeding in ANYTHING when it comes to pleasing him and all this martyr shit, you know how it goes. The good part was that it only lasted for few minutes this time. He was great, being an ego-slayer himself, I was the one blaming myself. Obviously I realized that this part of me getting angry was the one wanting praise, maybe even secretly some kind of reward...and cause I didn´t succeed, my ego was hurt.
It´s not about succeeding. My soul doesn´t need that. My soul doesn´t need anything, it just is, there is already everything it ever needs. It is my mind, that great, sensitive mind of mine that needs anything.
And it´s not about killing your ego or being too harsh towards it or wanting to be this illuminated, pure, angelic light being - ha, that´s the ego talking. The E knows it already IS this light being. Just let it come through. Easily, only recognizing it and not identifying with your mind and thoughts. That´s all the ego work we need. That´s transformation.
BTW, I love cilantro.